I might have mentioned to my physiotherapist that I was a bit pissed off in the morning when my space got invaded.

I was really, seriously boiling inside.

I am a master of self control now (blablabla), so I managed to keep my mouth shut, but I was seriously surprised by the POWER of these feelings.

And what does she answer? 'Irritation är en gränssättande känsla'. (Irytacja to uczucie stawiania granic obronnych.)

Irritation shows when your personal bounderies are being crossed by someone. KA-BOOOM!

More! Our BODY knows it first and sends a wake up call to our feelings. A small tension in our shoulders, rising pulse...irritation and if we let it... ANGER and RAGE.

And for so long I thought that those first, physiological signals were... uncontrolled STRESS which I didn't let myself feel. In stead I should have listened and PROTECTED myself, my bounderies, my INTEGRITY.

I am still shocked by this NEWS. I will watch myself and my little new FRIEND, Lady irritation. My guide and help.

Have you ever met your best friend IIRITATION and let it protect you from bad, bad people out there who try to invade you?

Irritation to All, so to speak   

Am I a bad person when I desperately need to be left alone?
Get some space? Just be with myself after a lovely, busy weekend?
Let the outside get quiet so that I can hear what the inside is screaming... longing for.
Through years I have learned to pay attention to what others need. I made it to my mission to keep others satisfied and taken care of.

Why?
Because I liked the immediate SATISFACTION, the feeling of being needed. The thank you.

In the end I got to think that there is no space for my needs, or that I will take care of them later, when everything else is done.
Also, I believe, I was trying to escape from myself and the growing UNEASE within. Keep myself busy enough not to think...
Cliché?
You may get that impression. First. But I have seen this before. I see it every day.
Today my physical body is ALLERGIC to being neglected. I panic when there is no space for ME. No silence.
With my cognitive problems due to the burnout it takes SECONDS fot the whole damn SYSTEM to SHUT DOWN.
Self-control, breath, digestion, consciousness, ALL GONE.
I am on an AUTO PILOT.

And it is not the quality of life I am aiming for today.
Right now it looks like a constant fight but I am here to WIN it! To win my LIFE back!!!

LIFE to All.