Every day can teach us something. Today I’ve learned that when I recover from a burn out and when I detox I should not roast chicken, fry pancakes, work in the garden and carry around heavy stones on our own private construction site all at one day.

I’ve been there before, I mean. I should have understood the signals. Irritation, lack of patience for a muddy (yes, covered with mud!) 5-year-old. Lack of joy. Smiling muscles in the off-line mode.

Even now, I should drop everything and go to bed but I sit here and try to write a few sensible words. Because that was my PLAN.

And in order to change plans one has to be a bit FLEXIBLE, not to mention being open for a different outcome.

Also, there must be an ALTERNATIVE, and an exhausted mind is never particularly creative, at least not mine. So I just continue. With the power of my WILL and HABIT.

In other words my recovery day has become my “let’s finish her off” day.

So is there a bright side to a major failure?

OF COURSE there is!

Today was a wakeup call, a reminder of the vulnerable side of me.

Tomorrow I can try again. If I will be blessed with another day I can choose differently. I can choose ME. I can proudly say NO to things. Even “very important matters”. I can lift my head high and say: “Sorry, today is a Kasia-day.”

Will I? Will I????

***

Good night you good guys. Take good care of yourself  <3

Look at the cute beds I prepared for our chicken :)
I might have hard time trying it though after spliting it in halv. It was not a pleasant job I have to admit.
Anyhow, our chicken will "rest" in the oven for more than an hour.
How much rest will you get today? :)
I wish you PLENTY!

M said to me yesterday:

- You are unhappy when you are not eating delicious food.

So true!

Meanwhile I explore new tastes and combinations for my morning and evening liquid treats during detox, my lunch meals were leaving me kind of... bored?

But not today!

Look what I created, just for myself:)

Corn chicken breast covered with caramelised onions, chestnut maschrooms and squash.

Green sallad witch radisch and sugarsnapps and pesto dressing.

In my homemade pesto I used soaked sunflower seeds and skipped parmigiano, which I love but I am dairy free a few days more. A dash of lemon zest made me almost jump on a kitchen table and DANCE. It was sooooo good!

What can I say? A meal prepared with so much care and reflection was really needed today. And it was worth it. Even the back pain after washing dishes!

I wish I could serve you all this meal :)

Imagine that one day you are able to push yourself so hard that you actually complete 30 kilometers cross country run. And soon after you are hardly able to walk your 4 years old to the day care two blocks away.

Imagine that you are able to take responsibilities at your job. You are trusted and you are a part of huge projects with people you respect and admire. And the next day you are not able to measure up pasta for 5 people.

Imagine that you are the queen, or king, of optimizing, running through “to do”-lists and delivering something to someone all the time. And suddenly you have a major nervous breakdown because your spouse needs a small favor… on Friday, and he asks you on Monday.

Imagine that today you are the one who likes to keep an eye on everything and everyone and tomorrow you need to protect your eyes from artificial light and you use earplugs just to survive a subway journey.

One day you have control, and the other you stand in the shower and wash your ears with your extra mild pussy soap.

I’ve been through all this these recent months. It was and still is a fight for survival. Fight for acceptance for what had happened. Struggle to go on even if I had no idea who I become and if I would ever recover. Fight against shame and an overwhelming feeling that I have done everything wrong.

Today I am building myself up. From scratch you could say. I dear to call myself Kasia, to begin with. A vulnerable person, a small child deep within.

I learn a whole new range of feelings and reactions to what life has to offer.

I discover and accept that nothing needs to remain as it has always been.

To Be (most probably) Continued…

I have tried this once already, the blogging. Not a single person had seen it before. I decided I will let it stay here (even though it is in Swedish), because this is how life was, and still is at times for me.

I have just started a 21 day long detox.*

I thought I would share some of the insights of it for those who might need one too. And mostly because I think it's a lot of fun!

...And also because a strong urge to speak up was burning my guts for quite a while now.

For several years I was navigating my boat right into this rocky mountain and feeling deep inside that I might be on a wrong course. That some kind of change or maybe a shift of direction if you will, should occur soon if I'm going to survive. Or at least find a way around that mountain.

I didn't.

In October 2012, 18 months ago I hit it with a tremendous speed. I collapsed on an ordinary Sunday morning and found myself in a deep shit of a stress break down. A burn out as the doctor stated few days later.

I was in need for a deep restoration and I had no idea how to proceed.

That time was like driving on a bumpy road, on flat tires, with a broken gps, basically. Back and forth to the same old holes. It still is so. Though new paths have been found since then. They work, sometimes.

...Long story.

Anyhow. I felt the time have come for me to start cleaning up this mess. Even strictly physiologically. This is how I came across Clean program.

I am reading, learning, I let myself be guided, and I am finding out more and more about myself.

It is exciting.

Like a handcraft that you try to master, like sculpting in wood maybe. First you can only see wood chips all over the place and all you feel is pain in your muscles... it is exhausting and you want to give up every now and then, but one day a human silhouette starts showing itself.

Maybe even a work of art...

*The detox is based on a Clean program by Alejandro Junger, M.D., I am not letting myself out there on my own. I know too little about this stuff, a healthy, well functioning human body.